But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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