she woke up with a sticky ear
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
