he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
