Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
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