Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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