is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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