i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
