Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
