I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
