I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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