I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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