guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
