tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
