I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
