There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
