I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!