I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
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Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great