I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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