Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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