Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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