we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
