when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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