I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
