that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
