I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
