I can tuck mytits in my pants
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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