I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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