Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
