God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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