Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
