someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Don't make out with my wife yet
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
