she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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