I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
