Sorry, I don't speak sober.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
