No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
