I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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