Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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