I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also, beer. Big fan.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
