I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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