I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
well you can't waste a boner
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
