if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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