actually, I'm a sock model
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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