I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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