haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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