So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
