I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Randomize
