you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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