proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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