Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
