You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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