Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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