i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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