bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
