Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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