so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
