the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
