they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
